Stuff by Steve

And now, in roughly chronological order, simply because that is how I copied-and-pasted their titles, I present my completely biased views on the upcoming movies of the Winter of 2007.

By the way, you will not see all of the upcoming movies listed here. If a movie is not in this list, it is because a) I was not aware of the movie, or b) I was not aware of anything remotely interesting about the movie. Both of these problems are easily rectifiable - get on it, movie producers! Start making better movies AND start sending me your advance scripts and daily reels.

Oh, and before we begin, some of these movies may have already come and gone from a theatre near you. Too bad. I write about what I want to write about. Now, read!

3:10 to Yuma
Yes, a new western! And one starring Russell Crowe (the venerable man’s man) and Christian Bale (the new man’s man). This one is apparently a remake of a solid film. Normally, that statement would be followed up with speculation on how this new version will stack up, but this time I don’t care. Even if it is mediocre (or at least better than “The Quick and the Dead”), I will still welcome the six-shooters, horses, and dust.

In the Shadow of the Moon
I am as excited about this documentary as much as I am about any fictional film this winter. Original footage of the Apollo moon missions will provide the frame around interviews with the remaining living astronauts from those heady days. Much of the mission footage was allegedly sitting in cans in NASA storerooms, never viewed by more than a few NASA staffers in its day. The movie has been receiving advanced rave reviews, despite having no connection to Tom Hanks.

Syndey White
I confess that I’ve already seen this one, but here’s the buzz: last-remaining-wholesome-teen-icon Amanda Bynes plays in a modern retelling of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” (the setting is Greek row at some college, and thus the title should be read as “Sydney White and the Seven Dorks”). The male lead’s last name is “Prince,” and the female antagonist’s last name is “Witchburn.” That should be all you need to know.

The Kingdom
Jennifer Garner’s involvement in this spy-vs-terrorist movie draws parallels in my mind to television’s “Alias.” I would expect a fairly straightforward plot, lots of action, and some sort of overly-simplified political message. While I’m not a big fan of Jamie Foxx (obviously a stage pseudonym, which, in this case, I take as an indication of grandiose narcissism), I am one of Chris Cooper (”Bourne” series, “Breach”). Also, Jason Bateman jumps in the fray, apparently looking for a change from his straight-up comedy roles (although he plays the comic relief, so not too much of a change, evidently).

Elizabeth: The Golden Age
I skipped the first one mostly because, well, it looked boring. However, watching the scenes in the trailer of the Spanish Armada sailing on England took my breath away. I’m not sure about the whole “I am woman” theme, and we will not likely see much ship-on-ship action (you will notice that it’s not titled “England vs. Spain - RAW!”). Maybe a rental?

Michael Clayton
I know very little about this, except that it stars George “Getting Better With Age” Clooney and involves some sort of suspense theme. Good enough for me, really. Well, perhaps I shouldn’t be too hasty - that’s what I said about “Solaris.”

Gone Baby Gone
Written by the same person as “Mystic River,” this film strikes the same thought-provoking tone. Also noteworthy is that Ben Affleck has finally stepped behind the camera where we can truly appreciate him. What I’m saying, in case you have missed my subtle barb, is that he’s bound to be a better director than he is an actor. The job also seems to suit his apparently tremendous ego. What does Jennifer Garner see in him? Maybe he’s better on stage (he still does play acting, interestingly enough).

We Own the Night
No, this is not the latest in a spate of crappy vampire movies. It’s a story of two brothers; one a cop, the other the Mafia - well, you can see where it will probably lead. Normally, I don’t go for such depressing subject matter, but the trailers show a great chemistry between Mark Wahlberg and Joaquin Phoenix. Maybe I’ll rent it.

American Gangster
Again, not my normal choice of happy-go-lucky flicks, but seriously, Denzel Washington is amazing. Sadly for my love of Washington’s acting talent, I will likely skip this one for its violation of my philosophy of escapism as the sole purpose of film. Now, replace the word “Gangster” with “Gladiator” in the title and I might change my mind.

Hitman
The problem with basing a movie on a video game is that most video game backstories are not exactly Shakespeare. Compound that with the strange phenomenon that the movie’s script is usually dumber than the game’s own story and you have a recipe for such gems as “Tomb Raider,” “Doom,” and, well, all of them. Will this one be any different? Let’s see: Obscure story, D-list actor, no other notable names attached to the project… And it just looks really, really dumb.

Beowulf
The people that brought us “The Polar Express” bring another motion-capture animation project in the form of the old Danish legend. On the “pro” side: I’ve always wanted to see Beowulf envisioned on the big screen. On the “con:” the animation still looks as crappy as it did in “The Polar Express.” It’s like there are only a few dozen good animators in the world, and for some reason they all work at Pixar.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I saw the trailer in the theatre recently and I found myself in a giddy mood. Yes, yes, it will be a steaming pile of crap, but I am hoping to see the return of some of the classic treatment of aliens and predators that would bring a bit of dignity back to two of history’s most famous movie monsters. This time, there are no male-only prison colonies, no improbable sub-arctic pyramids, and no weird philosophy featuring Sigorney Weaver. Just a simple modern day village filled with modern day villagers about to be eaten.

Bee Movie
Jerry Seinfeld, who wrote the movie and voices the main character, has been raving about how “different” this movie will be from other animated films. I’m not seeing it, and I’m expecting something more along the line of a crappy version of “A Bug’s Life” - oh wait, that would be “Antz.”

Enchanted
Disney takes a jab at itself, which I appreciate. I think self-deprecating humour is actually quite endearing when it comes from a corporation. Anyway, the story is a fairy tale along the lines of the Disney classics - “Snow White,” “Cinderella,” “Sleeping Beauty” - that breaks into the real world, transforming from an animated tale to a live-action romp. The shtick is that all the fanciful things that one would take for granted in a fairy tale (people breaking into song, animal sidekicks, the works) are exposed as ridiculous when viewed through the goggles of reality. Looks funny and cute, just like a Disney movie should.

I Am Legend
Not sure what this is about at all, except that it stars Will Smith and is something about him being the Last Man On Earth (oh, and apparently he’s not alone). Cryptic, and cool. Hopefully, he will stick to acting and leave the theme song to someone else.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets
I loved the original National Treasure - it was a fun, adventurous romp that gave us a tiny taste of that Indy flavour we all love, in a nice, high-gloss format (unlike Richard Chamberlain in “King Solomon’s Mines,” which was still fun but for an entirely different reason). Thus, I will forgive this sequel its “Harry Potter”-esque title and go to see this on its opening weekend. Why? Because there is so much crap in the theatre these days, and I am desperately clinging to any reasonably-executed entertainment. Some people are referring to this up-and-coming movie franchise as “Da Vinci Code”-lite. Frankly, that’s what I thought “The Da Vinci Code” should have been. I will bet even money that this becomes a ride at Disneyland in a year.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
I would repeat all my videogame-turned-movie rants from “Hitman,” but this one has Jason Statham and Ray Liotta on its side. Okay, so replace “D-list” with “B-list” and you get the picture. Oh well, Statham and Liotta had a good run. It was nice knowing you guys! Seriously, if you don’t have enhanced lips and are married to Brad Pitt, how can you come back from something that will be this bad? Well, I guess even The Rock found work after “Doom.”

Untitled J.J. Abrams Project
1-18-08 (USA) (promotional title)
Cheese (USA) (fake working title)
Clover (USA) (fake working title)
Cloverfield (USA) (fake working title)
Slusho (USA) (fake working title)
Okay, so coolest viral marketing scheme ever. First, produce hit TV shows (”Lost,” “Alias”) and become world-renown. Then, make a monster movie in secret. Then, release a kick-butt teaser trailer without revealing anything at all significant about the movie, including the title. Okay, maybe some people don’t care, but I think J.J. Abrams is onto something here. All we know is that something bad happens to New York City. Just like we like it.

Rambo
This movie should not be confused with “Rambo: First Blood Part II.” I know that’s what you were all thinking. Although, you were also probably thinking, “Why in H-E-double-hockeysticks is 61-year-old Stallone is making another Rambo movie?” Besides the tears I shed for humanity at being subject to this movie franchise again, I also weep for the absence of Richard Crenna, and for the appearance of more bows, arrows, and machetes wielded by our notorious hero.

Vantage Point
It’s about time Dennis Quaid was in another movie. Hard to say if this will be good, but it certainly looks interesting: lots of famous actor faces and a suspenseful premise are a good combination, I say. Plus, I love a good conspiracy movie (although, not a good conspiracy, I’ve learned). The premise is a tasty one: An assassination is investigated from different people’s points of view (or, “vantage points,” if you will). Thus, the plot will be unravelled in an orderly and chair-gripping manner. Plus, as we learned from the much-too-informative trailer, the assassination isn’t what it appears to be. Good grief, I can barely sit still already!

10,000 B.C.
Roland Emmerich (”The Day After Tomorrow,” “Independence Day”) is busy crafting a big-budget movie about a mammoth hunter. On the one hand, I’m all, “Oooooo!” On the other hand, I’m like, “What the…?” And yes, that’s all I have to say about that.