And now for my favourite thing, where I get to rant about the upcoming winter movies (September to April) without even actually seeing them. Hey, it’s my list. Don’t like it? Write your own.
Night at the Museum
The premise: Ben Stiller stars as a happy-go-lucky security guard working his new job on the night shift at a museum. The twist: when the doors are locked for the day, the museum exhibits come to life. The draw: full-size Ben Stiller being tied to the miniature railroad tracks on the miniature railroad diorama is a priceless scene. The famous line: “Don’t let anything in… or out.” The name-dropping: Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, Robin Williams, Ricky Gervais, Owen Wilson.
Rocky Balboa
Judging by the title, this is to be the franchise’s swan song. I suppose that’s okay, since the movie about the legendary boxer never really had an “ending,” so-to-speak; there was that last film (Rocky V) that nobody watched, but it didn’t really do justice to the tale of Rocky. So, in George Foreman style (sans electric indoor/outdoor grill), we revisit the movie series that has become synonymous with the word “comeback.” On the one hand, I must ask “why?” Stallone is old and washed-up, and this story has been told, oh, five times already. On the other hand, an old and washed-up boxer is just what this story has been missing. So I must reply, “why not?”
Apocalpyto
The surprising-to-everyone-who-isn’t-Christian financial success of “The Passion of the Christ” has allowed Mel Gibson to self-finance his next project, a tale about the pre-Hispanic Mayan culture. Apparently, it is a political piece meant to warn our modern culture about the social breakdown that is presently occurring. Entirely subtitled and without any notable actors, it will be a miracle if Gibson can make this film compelling enough to draw a mainstream audience. If he does, I want to see it, and I mean now. If not, well, I’ll probably still rent it.
Borat
This is the part where I remind everyone about how the movies in this list are not necessarily here because I want to see them. This one is a mockumentary about the titled fake Kazakhstani TV personality, critics are calling it the main competition for “Jackass 2″ because of its low-brow humour. Despite it being brilliant in its own offensive way, I have firmly planted it on my “movies to avoid at all costs” list.
School for Scoundrels
A male traffic bylaw enforcement officer (”meter maid” for short) finds himself shy with women, so he enrolls in a secret underground school for guys like him. The class instructor takes him under his wing, but ends up in a competition with him over the very woman he is hoping to woo. Even if you didn’t like “Napoleon Dynamite,” you may still enjoy Jon Heder as the geeky meter maid; the theatrical trailers portray him as humourously lovable. Billy Bob Thorton seems surprisingly palatable as well.
Hollywoodland
A dramatic retelling of the story of TV’s Superman, George Reeves, and his controversial death. I can’t help but feel that this is another attempt at Hollywood to dredge up drama and intrigue simply for the sake of drama and intrigue. But they say it’s all based on actual events, so who am I to argue? That being the case, I’m still tired of seeing movies about famous people and their screwed-up lives; I know enough not-so-famous people whose lives are even more screwed up that I don’t need a movie reminding me that life can really suck.
The Nativity Story
Everyone seems to think that this is another film by Mel Gibson; not so, despite using the same Italian village for a set. Perhaps this misconception is why the controversy surrounding the movie does not center around the fact that the director is the same one that directed “Thirteen” and “Lords of Dogtown.” Rather, the hoopla seems to stem from the mostly-English dialogue with very few subtitles whatsoever, as opposed to being filmed entirely in Aramaic. Maybe I’m wrong about today’s audience; people seem to want authentic incomprehensibility these days. I admit that I prefer it myself. Anyway, the script writer is a Christian who seems committed to ensuring the project’s historical and theological authenticity. Movie-on-a-mission or not, there is something about The Christmas Story that fills me with a gripping sense of anticipation. Time will tell if this holds up to the power of the Linus (of Charlie Brown) version.
Flyboys
Every time I watch the scene from the trailer where the Lafayette Escadrille’s Nieuport 17’s come taxiing through the morning mist, I get all choked up. Pardon me, that’s just my inner nerd coming out. Ahem. I’ve never been a huge fan of World War I-era aviation, but this movie may change my mind. I like James Franco (Harry from Spider-Man), and the whites-of-their-eyes nature of the aerial combat provides a certain natural viscera (viscus?) to the action. Still, and my brother agrees, I fear the possibility that this will be another “Pearl Harbor.” It’s hard to think about how anything could possibly be that bad, but then, “Pearl Harbor” was.
Gridiron Gang
The Rock (a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson) decided one day that he needed to pay homage to his upbringing. Apparently, he too was mentored into adulthood by his juvie football coach. This movie is a dramatization based on the documentary of the same name. My first thought was, “Why do we need another inspirational teenage football drama?” I mean, can anything The Rock acts in compare to “Remember the Titans”? And yet, these movies always suck me in. I admit it. I am a sucker for inspirational drama.
Crank
This movie will probably be horribly violent and vulgar. Yet, it calls to me. Something about the main character knowing he is going to die (he is poisoned) and using his last hour alive to exact revenge on everyone remotely involved with his inevitable murder. Plus, Jason Statham seems to look really good with his obviously-faked flying roundhouse kicks, and the car chases really caught my eye in the preview. The buzz is that the action is freshly original and, while cheesy, it’s apparently bad in a good-bad kind of way. Here’s hoping.
The Hoax
The byline of this movie is, “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” This makes sense when you learn that it’s based on the real-life story of Clifford Irving, a writer that managed to get published his fake autobiography of Howard Hughes. Or so we are to believe. I’m not a big fan of Richard Gere, but he seems perfect for the part of the huckster. I guess Leo Di Caprio wasn’t available (from “Catch Me if You Can” - ha ha).
The Guardian
I like Kevin Costner, but not so much for Ashton Kutcher. They both star in what looks a bit like “Top Gun” for the Search-and-Rescue profession. When was the last time anyone used the “Top Gun” simile? “Backdraft,” probably. Anyway, I digress. The sight of a red-and-white-painted SAR HH-60 (that’s a helicopter - sorry, nerd thing again) being swallowed by a 50-ish-foot wave reminds me of “The Perfect Storm.” Hopefully, this time we will get the rain and wind without the melodrama. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Oh yeah, I’m thinking of my fantasy world, which I go to in my mind every time I watch Hollywood cheese.
Lucky You
Here we have the ever-charming and apparently handsome Eric Bana opposite Drew Barrymore in a movie that is reminiscent of “The Color of Money” crossed with “Maverick.” Bana plays a professional poker player who wins at gambling but is only so-so at the relationship game. Bring in a little father-son conflict followed by some character development as our protagonist re-learns his priorities and this one is the prime candidate for Go-To Date Movie. The draw for the male audience is the poker theme, which will capitalize on the game’s present inexplicable popularity (yours-truly excepted).
The Prestige
Turns out that both the writer/director from “Batman Begins” and Christian Bale had some time to kill until “The Dark Knight” (or, if you prefer, “Batman Begins 2″). Thus, they decided to give a go to a different kind of edge-of-your-seat thriller. The story is about two Victorian-era illusionists that engage in a rivalry that traverses from friendly to murder (cue lightning and thunderclap). Adding to the intrigue is a mystery surrounding one of the magicians. Like any good magic show, this movie seems destined to keep us guessing.
Ghost Rider
Main character Johnny Blaze makes a deal with the devil and trades his soul for the life of a loved one. The price is high, and apparently there’s no beating the devil this time. Whereas Spider-Man got web-slinging and the cool red suit, Blaze gets to have his head turn into a flaming skull at night whenever evil is present. As well as depressing, the thought of the hero (anti-hero?) having a direct connection to the underworld seems a bit macabre and disturbing. Not sure I’ll see it, but it looks very stylish and interesting. On the other hand, the fact that it got bumped from a summer release to the dead of winter may mean it will soon be relegated to the $4.99 bin at Blockbuster.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Well, the computer-generated turtles in this go-around seem okay, but I miss the rubber suits of the original. Still, there is a certain draw for me - after all, when I was young, I “was” Leonardo (at least, according to my friends). Whoops, geek thing again. It will probably be super-campy, and I doubt I will ever get Danielle to watch it. Woe is me.
Casino Royale
I haven’t seen our new Bond (Daniel Craig) in his other movies, but I’m sure he will be fine, blonde hair aside. I’m surprised that they dumped Pierce Brosnan for a new guy, especially since the problem with their slumping box office earnings was certainly due to the miserable writing rather than the public disliking Brosnan. This episode looks promising, since they are taking the story back to the beginning. This means fewer gadgets (which is a convenient way to stall until they figure out how to replace Desmond Llewelyn as “Q”), although Bond will apparently still have his old tricks. Hopefully, the return to simplicity will mean a return to simpler and more plausible storytelling as well.
