Stuff by Steve

Presenting, in no particular order except that this is how they appeared when I pasted them into an ad-hoc list, my rants on the upcoming summer blockbuster movies (although, hopefully nobody’s kidding themselves - some of these will flop).

Poseidon
A massive cruise ship capsizes, and a band of survivors must climb to the “bottom” of the boat to escape. I’ve actually already seen this one, but that doesn’t stop me from having preconceived notions about it. On the one hand, well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - disaster movies rock. On the other hand, sometimes a bad film is a bad film. I anticipated a flashy, low-substance, yet somehow entertaining action fest starring a bunch of pretty people. What do you think; was I disappointed?

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Based on the movie that was based on the Disney ride, I was skeptical about this film; how can you top the flourish and charm of the first one? However, after viewing a recent trailer, it looks like this go-around could be even more exciting. The improbable protagonist that is Captain Jack (Johnny Depp) is back and just as unsteady-looking as ever. I don’t like gushing - I’m usually wrong when I do that - but isn’t more of a good thing still a good thing?

Mission: Impossible: III
“This actor’s career will self-destruct in…” You know the drill. I am surprised that this movie was even made. Despite all of the hoopla surrounding Tom Cruise (why more people are not tired of hearing his name is beyond me), the buzz is that, on a scale from 1 to what-were-they-thinking, this movie sits squarely between the fairly intelligent and well-made first movie and the horrifyingly awful camp-fest that was the second.

X-Men: The Last Stand
Sequels, sequels, sequels. Often just a result of having scraped the bottom of all of the barrels known to man, this one is thankfully the natural continuation of the excellent X-Men story. Well, hopefully natural. As with “Spider-Man,” the second movie was even better than the first. It looks like the stakes are higher, plot-wise, in this third episode; let’s hope the efforts were made to match. Some clips I’ve seen look downright kitchy (is that a word?), but my fingers are crossed. With Kelsey Grammer as Beast, things could go either way.

The Da Vinci Code
The buzz about this movie is that it contains most of the important elements from the book - except for the suspense. Despite garnering even more controversy than the “Last Temptation of Christ,” it’s allegedly also just a mediocre film. Oh, and I’ll say it one more time, just so everyone’s on the same page: “When the author of a fictional novel states that something is a fact, that doesn’t make it true” Yes, yes, someone made it all up. Strange, for a book.

The Break-Up
What’s this? A romantic comedy about two people who think they don’t love each other, until they realize they really do? I, personally, am not necessarily looking forward to this film, but I know at least half a dozen girls who are. Yes, I know half a dozen girls. Suck it. Hollywood is humming with rumours surrounding the potential real-life romance between the two leads, but the real question is, does anyone see Vince Vaughn as an attractive romantic lead? I mean, even Tom Hanks (nowhere to be found in this film) is a stretch. Perhaps it’s Vaughn’s trademark bizarre combination of frenetic and monotone. I just don’t get it. Oh well, maybe I should be so lucky.

Cars
The title says it all: it’s Pixar’s latest animated feature about talking cars. I’ve upgraded this one from “Dented Fender” to “Near Miss.” Wasn’t this supposed to come out six months ago? Perhaps they took it back a bit to re-tool the engine and give the paint more time to cure. I’m not one to count Pixar out, so I’m not going to predict a disaster, but nobody’s perfect. They’re ripe for something - anything - sub-par, just to make sure the law of entropy doesn’t take everyone out in some freak accident. Well, low expectations often yield higher satisfaction in the theatre seat.

Superman Returns
Probably North America’s best known popular legend gets the “modern” treatment. Throwing continuity out the window worked well with “Batman Begins,” but I’m not convinced it was the right way to go here. First, the suit. Ew. Second, Lois Lane is pregnant? This is worse than Kirsten Dunst standing on Peter Parker’s balcony in a wedding dress. Sure, it had to happen, but it just doesn’t leave many places to go. The latest trailer is quite riveting, though, and I think there will be some value here, but it will not be in Kate Bosworth’s acting.

Lady in the Water
I don’t know much about this one save that it is M. Night Shyamalan’s latest and is being billed as a movie adaptation of “a bedtime story” he wrote for his kids. Well, at least we won’t have to wonder where the plot twist comes. He brings back Bryce Dallas Howard as the leading lady, something I am pleased about after her insightful performance in “The Village.” I wonder, what bit part will he cast himself as?

Miami Vice
All I’m going to say is this: Colin Farrell in stubble, that ’stache, and awful, awful long hair. Oi.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend
Luke Wilson dumps Uma Thurman and then finds out that she’s got super powers and a taste for revenge. It’s directed by Ivan Reitman, which could mean we’ll get either another “Ghostbusters” or another “Eurotrip.” It sounds interesting, even though I’m not as big a fan of Uma Thurman as everyone else seems to be. Also, what’s with all these movies incorporating superheroes into them? Superheroes go to high school, superheroes teach high school, superheroes raise families, superheroes get dumped… Seems like a poorly disguised way to put a new spin on old material.

Nacho Libre
Jack Black stars as a priest(!) who becomes a pro wrestler in order to save an orphanage. By the same director that helmed Napoleon Dynamite, there is obviously a hope that this will become another cult classic. For some reason I like Jack Black, although I don’t see him as cult classic material. I think there is a line that all actors cross when they become too well known that they are no longer elligible to be called “cult heroes.” Having said that, the movie appears to be weird enough that it just might get shunned by everyone except a very dedicated few.

United 93
As the title suggests, this is the story of the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania on 9/11. Sound controversial? Theatres are pulling the trailers and threatening not to show the movie. Funny how a movie that contains no religious references is more controversial than The Da Vinci Code. And probably a hundred times the better film, too. Honestly, though, didn’t we just see this in “Red Eye” and “Flightplan?” Let’s not forget the classic “Passenger 57.” All fictional, I know, but considering how little we actually know about the events that occurred on the fabled flight 93, it might as well be made up (think “The Perfect Storm”).

World Trade Center
Continuing the trend of 9/11 movies, here we have the story of two police officers trapped in the rubble of the twin towers. It sounds even more shocking when you hear that Oliver “Mr. Conspiracy Theory” Stone is directing it. Allegedly, it will not be a political piece at all. I guess Mr. Stone tapped himself out filming “JFK.” Well, I’ll believe it when I see it, although I’m not feeling very compelled to see this one. “Daylight” was barely exciting enough as a story about being trapped underground, and that one starred Stallone and wasn’t even based on a true story (in other words, it didn’t suffer from the restriction of reality - although, see my comments on “United 93″ above for more on that).

Snakes on a Plane
Samuel L. Jackson stars as a U.S. Marshal flying aboard an airplane that also happens to be carrying 400 killer snakes. Sounds a bit like “Anaconda” to me, and not just because of the serpentine reference. I mean, if a movie starring Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Owen Wilson, and Kari Wuhrer can be as bad as that, how is Samuel L. Jackson going to do it better by himself? Get this; production was extended to add more gore and an “R” rating. Yay. Perhaps the most telling is the buzz by prospective fans, as follows: “This movie will suck!” “This movie needs ZOMBIES!!!!”

The Lake House
For this movie, I’m thinking “Romeo and Juliet” meets time travel. According to sources (my wife, solely for whom I am including this bit), what we have here is an attempt to rekindle the chemistry that Sandra Bullock had with Keanu Reaves in “Speed.” Smacking of the same theme as we saw in “Frequency,” we are unfortunately saddled with Reaves’ wooden acting and stilted dialogue delivery. And yet, somehow, hope survives - if you have a uterus. The most maddening thing is that the time travel element will hook you into that delicious “what if” mindset, but then leave you with nothing but a hole in your lip as the plot unravels faster than a reel with a busted sprocket.